Today is a Sad Day. And that's OK.

Social media is an interesting animal. We all want something out of it, whether it is followers, or likes, or comments, or tags, or sympathy, or tweets, or clicks (that's a thing, right?) or whatever other type of recognition that may or may not lead to the possibility of being insta-famous and making millions just by being an idea of yourself on the Internet. It's a weird thing when it's broken down, but it's not something I'm opposed to and it's not something I'm here to pick apart by any means. I do often think about what is being put out into the social media ether and what the intentions are behind the posts and updates. Should we be an idealized version of ourselves? It is OK to post every event in the day, letting everyone know where we are, what we're doing and who we're with? Is it a platform for politics, or religion, or raising social consciousness? Or do only Caturday meme's and hilarious twerk fail videos belong on Facebook and Instagram? I think the best answer is probably pretty personal for each of us. I try to keep my social media interactions relatively light to deter any sort of Facebattle back and forth instigated by anything I post. I tend to post about things I love, things I truly believe in and things that inspire me. However, I am definitely not the most genuine version of myself on social media because I am not my Facebook and I am not my Instagram profile. I'm flesh and I'm blood and there is a lot more to me than yoga pictures, my dogs, vegetables, giraffes and Josh (wait... is there really???). If I'm mad, I generally don't post. If I'm sad, I generally don't post. If I'm binging on ice cream and watching hours of Pit bulls and Parolees- well, I might post- but it's not typical.

I thought about being my authentic self today- open, sensitive, raw and exposed- and I thought that being more vulnerable on social media might be a good learning experience. So today I'll share a more genuine real-time version of myself than dog cuddles and cups of tea. Actually, I am cuddling dogs and a cup of tea is in my near future, but I'm also crying. Ugly face crying. Fat tears rolling down my cheeks, runny nose, hiccups, the whole nine yards.

Tonight is a sad night. Not for any particular reason just because I am sad. Some days are happy and some days are sad and today is sad. I'm not feeling particularly great physically which, if you ask me, is a manifestation of how I am feeling emotionally, although some may say it's part of the reason why I'm not feeling emotionally well. Ultimately it doesn't matter which came first, the chicken or the egg, just that both existed and they each deserve to be recognized as a vital part of the biological process required for the chicken species to continue to exist. That's how I feel about this sadness and this neck pain. They are both required in order for me to feel the way I am feeling-- which isn't great-- and it doesn't matter which caused which just that the sadness is here and it's going to be here until it isn't. And when it isn't, I won't miss it. And that's good, because it'll be back at some point.

My neck hurts. It feels like all the muscles in my neck have grown too short and are pulling and shortening all the muscles they attach too, which are pulling on all my bones, which are knocking into one another every time I move any part of my body. My jaw hurts from the dental work I had done on Wednesday. I've been up with a nose bleed since 4 o'clock this morning. I miss my younger brother so much tonight it takes my breath away. My father is going through a rough time and I don't know how to help him. In fact, I feel like I am failing him. I'm lonely in New Orleans. It's a very big place and right now I feel like a very small person. I miss Josh in a way that has only been comparable to the way I miss the ocean, except it's not comparable because it's incomparable and incomprehensible. My dogs have been experiencing what can only be described as bouts of explosive diarrhea coupled with projectile vomiting off-and-on since we moved here in January. I haven't had so many migraine episodes since before I had a stroke 6 years ago. And I'm tired. Sleep hasn't been coming so easily and, that which I am getting, isn't restful. Mostly, I'm sad. And I've been sad for a couple of weeks. Not all the time. There is lots of beauty and happiness in my life every single day. There is a lot to be thankful for and I realize I am very fortunate. And I know that fixing every item on the list of "bads" isn't what is going to make me happy.

Listening to my heart is what will make me happy. Following my bliss. Taking risks. Jumping even when I can't see the bottom. Trusting in my intuition. Being honest. Laughing. Sharing. Talking. Drinking wine. Eating. Dancing. Praying. Singing. Connecting. Helping. Touching. Loving. This is what makes me happy. And yes, yoga, dogs and tea also make me very, very happy. I know all of this, and still, right now, I am sad.

And soon, this will be over. Soon this part of my life will be a distant memory. Soon I'll be able to look back on that time when I first moved to New Orleans and everything was difficult. And nothing fell into place the way I wanted it to. That time I felt broken. That time I cried a lot. Soon, I'll look back and be thankful for these tears. Because I have a heart that breaks and that's a beautiful gift. I have a family to miss, and that's a beautiful gift. I know what it's like to feel healthy and that's a beautiful gift. And because of these big fat tears. Because of this pillow case covered in big fat tears. Because of this dog that weighs all of 12 pounds who lets me squeeze him with all my might. Because of this big, red dog who never licks anyone but turns to me and licks the tears off my hand. Because of my younger brother who just text messaged me and told me he loved me. Because of all these things and many, many more I'm thankful for these moments of overwhelming sadness. Because without them, the happiness just isn't as sweet.