Ramblings.

I am not finding much patience in myself today.

I am perfectly able to be patient, kind, understanding, helpful and any number of other agreeable and pleasant adjectives when I am feeling well.  Today, I am not feeling so well.

Here, I will practice satya (truthfulness) and provide you with a list of all the terrible things I have felt and said today:

1. I actually considered egging small children whom were playing joyfully outside my apartment causing an ear shattering din.

2. I cussed at a minimum of 10 cars on a 10 mile drive.

3. I called my dog a shittank.

4. I just lied, because I didn't actually call my dog a shittank at all. Although that's funny.

5.  While on a webchat at work, I become extremely frustrated with a gentleman whose name I do not even remember at this point!

I have been feeling awful all day long- physically and emotionally. Highlight of my day was picking my darling roommate up from the airport today after her 8 day visit to Greenland (Read: Wisconsin). Writing them down makes me feel better.

On a different note, I am becoming increasingly more aware of this whole "growing up" thing I've been doing the last 24 years and 12 days. Please allow me to exemplify what I mean by providing you with a play by play of my day.

8:40 AM Wake up
9:00 AM Work
2:10 PM Pick up roommate from airport
2:40 PM Work
(hence forth this is a schedule.. I am not writing this from the future.. yet)
5:30 PM Off work, head to the bank
6:30 PM Pick up dog food
7:00 PM- 8:00 PM Feed dogs, laundry, pay bills (insurance, cable and mail rent check)
8:00 PM Dinner with the roommate

Make note of a couple of things:
Working all day long. Running errands. Responsible for keeping others alive. Paying bills. Drinking wine (this should be assumed by "dinner with roommate")

When did I grow up? When did these things happen to me? When I was younger I was always excited about getting older. All the things you get to do always seemed so exciting.

I have a very clear memory from my 10th birthday where I realized I had been alive for a decade. I was sitting on the cement dock at Dottie's house. Dottie was a little old lady my mother cleaned house for. She was the first person I had ever encountered who walked around with an oxygen tank plugged into her nose everywhere she went. She had a double wide on a gravel lot. Where I am from, trailers can cost $100,000 easy so it wasn't in a poor neighborhood. In fact, it was in a relatively nice area. Upper middle class trailer park you could say. So I was sitting on the cement dock, dangling my string bean legs over the edge and looking at tanned nose and bright blonde hair shining back at my in my reflection. I remember looking down at my hands and thinking that these hands had been around for a decade already. I had just recently learned what "decade" meant and I kept telling everyone I was a "decade." Which obviously makes no sense. I remember this moment so clearly because I thought, "I will never be a single digit ever again." And most probably, for the rest of my life, I will be a double digit. I'm not sure why that had such a profound effect on me.

A

Here's to Completing A Full 24 Years On Planet Earth!

The 24th year of my life is, tomorrow, coming to a close (for those of you that are confused by this because I am turning 24 and not 25, allow me to explain: After you complete your first year on Earth, you turn 1. In the same way, after you complete your 24th year on Earth, you turn 24. Go ahead, let your mind be blown).
 Here is a list of 24 things I have learned over the past 8,765 days (yes, I included leap years).

1. People are going to disappoint you-- but not everyone. 

It's really easy to make generalized statements about the nature of humanity. Often times I find most people generalizing negatively. I have learned to keep in mind the truth-- that people will disappoint you. They will hurt you. They will stab you in the back. But not all people. And even sometimes those that have hurt you in the past will never do it again in the future. (Note that learning to distinguish who deserves a second chance and who does not will not be included on the list.)

2. Most shiny, new, fun toys will rust if you do not take care of them.

Whether it be a bicycle, kitchen knife, pair of scissors, friendship or a relationship. Without proper care and attention, it will start to oxidize. 

3. Drink tons of water every single day.

You feel better, you look better, you are better. Over 50% of your total body weight is water. That must be replenished and refreshed often.

4. Find a way to move your body every single day. Better yet, get obsessed with a specific type of movement.

As we all know, it's yoga for me. But for my roommate, it's running. That girl can GO. It's incredible. And she looks incredible to boot. 

5. Stop.Eating.Fast.Food

What's more, eat organic, sustainable and local whenever you can. It doesn't take long before that McDouble looks, tastes and smells disgusting. Just because we're still in college or recently out of college doesn't mean we have to eat like a frat boy. Your arteries, heart, waist line, complexion and mental capacity will thank you for it.

6. Stay home more often than not enjoying your own space and going to bed early. 

This one I began learning around 22. I had been working at Hawks Cay and had to get up pretty early for work. I just started feeling so much better than I was when I would go to bed in the wee hours of the morning and wake up well into the afternoon. Besides, the days feel longer and you can get more accomplished as well.

7. Never fall asleep without washing your face and brushing your teeth. Especially if you have make up on.

I heard one time that every night you go to sleep without washing your face, you age your skin 10-15 days. I don't know if it's true or not, but it was enough to scare me straight. And the teeth, I mean.. c'mon. I learned that around age 3. But sleeping in make up is the worst thing ever. You wake up greasy with black stains on your pillows looking like you just got out of an MMA ring. 

8. Stay in touch with all your best friends from High School.

Skype, Facebook, text, call.. whatever you have to do. This is the 21st century, there is no excuse. This is how you remember who you are-- even if just because it shows you who you used to be.

9. You don't have to feel guilty turning down an offer to go on a date or give someone your phone number and it doesn't have to be rude.

A friend told me a story of her friend who answers offers for dates/requests for phone numbers with: "If we truly have that much in common, I'm sure we will see each other out again. Thank you so much for the offer, though." That with a sweet smile, it perfect. And just because you don't go out on a date with them or give them your number doesn't mean you can't have a conversation.

10. Don't ever let anyone else tell you that you are broken regardless of their "qualifications." 

Ever.

11. Men and women can have completely platonic relationships, you just have to be open and honest.

One of my oldest and most precious friends is Brian. He and I have been friends forever and it has never caused any weirdness. Furthermore, I have never allowed a boyfriend to ever even begin to make me choose between the two of them and I have never done anything to make a boyfriend feel insecure about him (short of calling him, "Boo" which is actually a joke because neither of us would ever truly call a significant other by the name of a Hanna-Barbara cartoon character.)

12. Foundational beliefs are important in a romantic relationship.

Your core beliefs have to be parallel to make it work. If you don't want to be a mother, but he wants to be a father-- that's a huge deal. A deal breaker, really. If you are a devout Christian and he is an Atheist, it's not going to work. 

13. Get a pet. Or play with a friends pet. Or volunteer at an animal shelter. Or do all three. Whatever it is, spend time with animals.

They are simple. They are not complicated. They do not play games or have hidden agendas. It's a nice break from humanity and the seemingly lack there of sometimes. 

14. Wear sunscreen...

...even if you move out of South Florida.

15. Sense of humor is sexier than washboard abs.

You can't see a flat stomach in the middle of the night when all the lights are turned off but you can roll around laughing until your abs are burning in the dark. 

16. Sleeping with a top-sheet under your blanket is much more comfortable than a blanket alone.

It just is.

17. If you say, "Let's hangout sometime" or "I'll call you," do it. 

That's how I found my amazing roommate. We had been saying those two phrases for a year and never got around to it. So one day we just made a plan and stuck to it. And here we are now, in domestic bliss.

18. Stop spending stupid amounts of money on bottled water.

Unless you're living in a 3rd world country where the water will cause simultaneous explosive diarreah and projectile vomiting you are just throwing your money away and hurting the environment by buying bottled water. Buy a brita, filter your tap water and carry a stainless steel or glass reusable water bottle.

19. Invest in quality.

It may be more money initially, but you'll enjoy having nice things and they will last a lot longer. (Read: Bras!)

20. Even if it's cute, it's not worth it unless it is also comfortable.

Goodbye adorable boots that make my feet feel like I walked to Cannan with the Israelites. 

21. Never give more into a relationship than you are getting back.

This is one of my most recent lessons. And that's all we'll say about that.

22. Slow Down.

Driving. Talking. Reading. Eating. I have even begun learning how to enjoy slow yoga. It used to be all about moving, going, hurrying up. Slowing down has offered me some of the most amazing benefits of all the lessons I've learned.

23. Tan skin is not the only beautiful palor.

Fair, ivory, dark, medium, olive, black. If you take care of it, it will be beautiful regardless of the amount of melanin you have.

24. I cannot drink whiskey. 

There you have it. Let's see what this next year brings!

XO and Happy Birthday to me,

A

Keeping Promises

As promised, here is my update on what is really important in this life of mine.

Yoga. 

This past weekend was intense but incredibly satisfying. The more I learn about yoga the more I learn about myself. Michael Johnson is a yoga instructor here in the Asheville area. He worked with us yesterday afternoon. One of the aspects of yoga that we have learned from multiple people on multiple occasions are Pantajali's 8 Limbs of Yoga. They are a guideline, so to speak, to reaching enlightenment. The first limb are the yamas. They are morals, controls or disciplines that you put upon yourself so as to decrease the possibility of hurting others. There are 5 yamas. Ahimsa (non-violence), satya (truthfulness), asteya (non-stealing), brahmacharya (celibacy, moderation), and aparigraha (non-hoarding). 

These seem like obvious things-- simple actions that we all know and can embrace. However, if we are honest with ourselves, they are quite difficult. Quite literally brahmacharya classically meant to hold back your sexual fluids. Other translations have interpreted this as moderation in all aspects of life. Tantric yogi/yogini's subscribe to the latter. I am finding more and more that I am a tantric yogi. So, yesterday afternoon Michael Johnson is teaching us the yamas. When he gets to this one he says, "It's simple. Don't have sex with people you are not supposed to have sex with. Respect the commitment of relationships- yours and others. Don't do anything with someone else that you would not do with your significant other sitting right in front of you." This sounds simple enough but for many people, as we all know, this is no simple feat. The moment Michael Johnson spoke those very simple words I had an overwhelming feeling. It was the feeling you get when you are driving around in your car completely and utterly lost. You have no idea which road will take you where so you just start turning on any road in hopes that, by some miracle, you will end up somewhere familiar. After what seems like a lifetime of taking wrong and unknown roads, finally, by some miracle, you end up on your road. The road you were looking for and now all the past roads don't even matter because you found something familiar-- a starting point where, from here on, you know your way. That's how I felt. Like I had finally found my road. I knew everything he was saying already. He didn't have to tell me. It wasn't an "Ah-Ha" moment but more of an "Oh-Yes" moment. He wasn't telling me that sex was forbidden until a certain piece of paper was signed by a certain person. He wasn't telling me that I was never allowed to have sex. He wasn't telling me that I could share myself with anyone at any moment and who cares because love is free. He was telling me what I already knew-- he was telling me how I already live my life. What I am trying to say is that everything I already believe; everything I already know to be true and hold dear to myself, is a foundational stepping stone of yoga. What I am saying, is I am home. 

I already knew I loved yoga. Everyone knows I love yoga. I find space, stillness, my breath, etc etc etc... Also, to be completely western, it is a great work out. But the more I do it and the more I learn, the less it becomes about working out. 

Of course a big part of my excitement is due to my group. There are about 25 of us... all women and one man. The people in my group are amazing. Each of them unique, thoughtful, creative and beautiful.  The teachers the same. Stephanie Keach is the self proclaimed, and rightfully so, Momma Bear. She inspires and intimidates me at the same time. While expecting a lot out of us she is understanding and helpful when we fall. There have been several people drop out of this program-- life gets in the way and maybe it wasn't exactly what they were looking for. But for me, this is exactly what I was looking for. This is exactly what my heart has been begging me to do for the past (almost) 24 years. 

A

A Stone's Age... At Least

It has been a remarkable amount of time since I last had the courage to sit down at my computer and allow myself to purge my thoughts through my finger tips. Mostly because I am a little afraid of what might come out. It feels as though a life time has happened since I was last here.

I suppose I'll just jump right into the most obvious of life happenings.

Jeremy and I broke up. While I won't go into all the awful truths or details of the matter, I will say this: I believed in him and he let me down. That is the hardest part of it all. I must say 'thank you' for helping me to learn exactly how much I will not tolerate in the future, but to be honest, it is not a friendly 'thank you.' It is rather begrudging. I am trying very hard to send nothing but understanding and forgiveness in his direction, but it is extraordinarily difficult. The hardest days are most definitely Sunday evenings after everything is quiet and I am alone with my own thoughts and memories.

I have decided to, per my usual habit, throw myself intensely into something else. Which is actually pretty convenient considering I am in the thick of my yoga teacher training program. Today commenced our third monthly weekend together. We learned so much, including pincha mayurasana (forearm balance) and adho mukha vrksasana (handstand). I love being upside down. However, muscles on my body I didn't even know existed are throbbing today. This month will be a very busy month of yoga for me with unsupervised teaching, writing a biography, attending yoga classes, continuing my home practice and keeping up with all the reading. Also, I will be traveling to The Keys for work/family and my birthday and Christmas is this month. It sounds like a lot, and it is but it is also the  kind of stuff that I want to share with someone.

I suppose I am feeling rather abandoned by Jeremy not only as my boyfriend but also as my friend. I must be a rather slow learner because I keep ruining friendships by throwing romance in the middle of it. I try to interpret this as the desire to be more than just a 'girlfriend' but I could be grasping for straws.

I want to be a sounding board, support system, safe person and happy place. I want to challenge the person I am with to be the best version of themselves they can be. I want to help the person I am with realize and go after their dreams. I don't just want to be the person they go on dates with, cuddle at night time and have sex with in the mornings. I want to be a significant part of their life. The term 'significant other' is used too commonly without much thought. I have been rolling this term around in my mouth, cutting my tongue on it's delicate edges the past couple of weeks. The other significant person in their life. So the first significant person is you... because you can't love someone else without loving yourself so on and so forth... and then there is the 'other' person. The person you bring the significant portion of yourself to and introduce to the significant portion of who they are and create something genuine with.

I really tried to be that other for him. I wanted to show him that no matter his flaws I accepted him just the way he was. Broken, battered and bruised. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way in return. And so it ended with almost the same dramatic exit as it began. I suppose some people just can't break themselves from the cycle of self destruction they have so delicately created in their lives.

Anyway. Enough of that. This is exactly why I have been terrified of putting this down. But enough digressions. This is about my yoga and my journey. Jeremy is over and yoga-- my life-- is just beginning. And for this reason, I came out on top. Or at least that's what I am trying to tell myself when I see myself in the mirror every morning.

Actually. That will be it for now. Now that I have put that into streams of words and punctuation, I am feeling exhausted. I don't think I have anything else left at this point. So I will continue on with more on yoga and all the beautiful gifts I am receiving from it tomorrow.

A