It has been a remarkable amount of time since I last had the courage to sit down at my computer and allow myself to purge my thoughts through my finger tips. Mostly because I am a little afraid of what might come out. It feels as though a life time has happened since I was last here.
I suppose I'll just jump right into the most obvious of life happenings.
Jeremy and I broke up. While I won't go into all the awful truths or details of the matter, I will say this: I believed in him and he let me down. That is the hardest part of it all. I must say 'thank you' for helping me to learn exactly how much I will not tolerate in the future, but to be honest, it is not a friendly 'thank you.' It is rather begrudging. I am trying very hard to send nothing but understanding and forgiveness in his direction, but it is extraordinarily difficult. The hardest days are most definitely Sunday evenings after everything is quiet and I am alone with my own thoughts and memories.
I have decided to, per my usual habit, throw myself intensely into something else. Which is actually pretty convenient considering I am in the thick of my yoga teacher training program. Today commenced our third monthly weekend together. We learned so much, including pincha mayurasana (forearm balance) and adho mukha vrksasana (handstand). I love being upside down. However, muscles on my body I didn't even know existed are throbbing today. This month will be a very busy month of yoga for me with unsupervised teaching, writing a biography, attending yoga classes, continuing my home practice and keeping up with all the reading. Also, I will be traveling to The Keys for work/family and my birthday and Christmas is this month. It sounds like a lot, and it is but it is also the kind of stuff that I want to share with someone.
I suppose I am feeling rather abandoned by Jeremy not only as my boyfriend but also as my friend. I must be a rather slow learner because I keep ruining friendships by throwing romance in the middle of it. I try to interpret this as the desire to be more than just a 'girlfriend' but I could be grasping for straws.
I want to be a sounding board, support system, safe person and happy place. I want to challenge the person I am with to be the best version of themselves they can be. I want to help the person I am with realize and go after their dreams. I don't just want to be the person they go on dates with, cuddle at night time and have sex with in the mornings. I want to be a significant part of their life. The term 'significant other' is used too commonly without much thought. I have been rolling this term around in my mouth, cutting my tongue on it's delicate edges the past couple of weeks. The other significant person in their life. So the first significant person is you... because you can't love someone else without loving yourself so on and so forth... and then there is the 'other' person. The person you bring the significant portion of yourself to and introduce to the significant portion of who they are and create something genuine with.
I really tried to be that other for him. I wanted to show him that no matter his flaws I accepted him just the way he was. Broken, battered and bruised. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way in return. And so it ended with almost the same dramatic exit as it began. I suppose some people just can't break themselves from the cycle of self destruction they have so delicately created in their lives.
Anyway. Enough of that. This is exactly why I have been terrified of putting this down. But enough digressions. This is about my yoga and my journey. Jeremy is over and yoga-- my life-- is just beginning. And for this reason, I came out on top. Or at least that's what I am trying to tell myself when I see myself in the mirror every morning.
Actually. That will be it for now. Now that I have put that into streams of words and punctuation, I am feeling exhausted. I don't think I have anything else left at this point. So I will continue on with more on yoga and all the beautiful gifts I am receiving from it tomorrow.
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