Another lesson masked as an oxymoron.

I had difficulty sleeping a few nights ago. When I finally did, I dreamt that I was going blind. It was a situational blindness that only affected me if I wasn't looking at something that I loved. At first, it was a blessing. I could only see the parts of the world that I loved. I was blind to all the dysfunction of our society and, as you can imagine, it was a relief. Since I couldn't see anything other than love in my world, I focused all my energy on that love. I relished in the beauty of nature. Cultivating love consumed my every action. I spent time playing with my dogs and falling deeper and deeper in love with everything in my new perfect world. It was such a remarkably beautiful existence and I felt as if I had finally found what humankind has been looking for all along.

Unfortunately, the rose-colored existence was temporary. The world changed. There was a dark shift and I was able to see less and less. Even things I loved seemed to turn and I could no longer enjoy all that which had brought me so much peace and clarity before. I could no longer function by myself so a friend from high school came up from Florida to help me out. After several failed attempts at resorting my eye sight, we decided that the only possibility of living a functional life was traveling down to the Florida Keys. Surely, my beautiful niece and nephew, my brothers, my parents, palm trees, and horizon-to-horizon ocean views would overwhelm my senses with so much love, there would be no option but for me to be able to see again.

The drive down was as expected. Dark and confusing. I knew we were in South Florida when I smelled the briny salt air. One of my favorite feelings is stepping out of an airplane into the intense, sticky, humidity of South Florida. I love the smell of the ocean meeting the land. I love the viscous texture of the air reverberating in my lungs. As we drove through the everglades, my vision would flash in and out. Glimpses of the knotted and gnarled flora, worn down and hardened by the intense sun, hurricanes, and brackish water were infrequent.

When I was in high school, Hurricane Wilma came through and all the plants in the Keys died. Everything was brown and dirty. I remember feeling like that must have been what winter looked like in the rest of the world. Turns out it was, but on a much smaller scale. I remember hating it.

In my dream, this is what the Keys looked like. It wasn't the paradise I was hoping for. I could see some, but for the most part I was still blind. Even the ocean wasn't the same. It was as if the water of the ocean was dying on a molecular level. I had this intense realization that I would never be able to experience the beauty and love of the world the way I had when this first began. Eventually, I was fully blind, navigating a dark world that held no love. I wept from my core and woke up with a tear stained pillow early the next morning.

I can't shake the loneliness that dream brought. The isolation of being trapped by my own senses and the terrifying feeling of a life without love.

This weekend I had a lot of soul-searching to do. My life is in transition and, while I know that all will fall into place just as it is meant to, I am scared. Paralyzed by fear, actually. I am afraid to make the wrong decision and end up trapped. I know that everything happens just as it is meant to, and I know that I am in the exact place I need to be, but that doesn't mean that the fear of ruining my own life isn't a very real experience.

Today, I made a decision. One that I stand behind and one that I know was right for me. I very seriously considered changing my mind, right down to the last moment. Before I officially decided, this dream came back to me once again. I knew that I needed to make this decision from my heart. This decision doesn't necessarily “make sense” on paper, but I know that it was made from a place of love. It very well may have been the first time I have ever done something purely out of love for myself. 

It's an interesting oxymoron. Selfishly selfish. Put your own mask on before assisting others in a plane crash. Leave your child with a babysitter so you can rejuvenate and ultimately be a better mother. Take a break from work so you can come back and be more productive. You have to take care of yourself before you can successfully take care of others. You can't be in love with someone else unless you are in love with yourself. This is one of the most difficult and important lessons I need to learn. I have a feeling situations like this will continue to pop up until I know this selfish selflessness as an old friend.

I know that if I am living in a world of darkness, I am unable to shine light into the world of others; living a life of love is the only way I can make a difference.

XO

A