Wrong Side Up

Today is the first day of my 7th Yoga Teacher Training weekend. 

Every Friday of this weekend, I feel as if I am:

Extemporaneous. 

Inexperienced.

Inflexible. 

Young. 

Vaulting Ambition. 

Something I have been meditating on recently is NOT listening to myself so much. I have the two sides of my ego.. the devil and the angel.. whispering into my ear. I don't necessarily feel like the "devil" side is trying to hold me back or keep me from realizing all my dreams. I think of this little guy more like a parent, petrified by fear of me hurting myself. Trying to convince his 'child' not to move out of the house for fear of their failure. This devil manifests in my consciousness as these negatives thoughts, attempting to scare me into safety. 

Truth is, I am terrified of failing. What if this isn't my path? What if my higher self isn't ready for this type of metaphysical cracking open that I am forcing it into? It seems easy to listen to He Devil and just stay home, curled up in my bed with my dogs who wouldn't judge me for chickening out. 

And then I remember I have to face myself in the morning. 

I have spent a lot of time learning and relearning how to treat other people. I feel like I am a relatively kind person and only hope that as I age I find more kindness, understanding, and compassion. However, I do not always afford myself the same kindness as I do others. I listen to these negative thoughts and, often, believe them to be true instead of listening to the angel in my ear telling me I am: 

Strong.

Eager.

Balanced. 

Idealistic.

Determined. 

All of these things, I am. Arguably, I am also all of the things on the aforementioned list. I am not as prepared with my yoga homework, home practice or meditation as I should be. I do not have a lot of experience-- yet. I am working on finding more length in my hamstrings and flexibility in my hips. I am young. And maybe I am overly ambitious.

So maybe it's not about not listening to myself. 

Maybe it's more about choosing the way in which I hear the things I am saying to myself. That's something we all are fully capable of doing-- choosing the way in which we hear things. I don't know how many times, as an ornery teenager, my mother and I fought because of the way one of us "heard" the other say something. 

Will I choose to hear positivity?

Hm.

I have become obsessed... allow me to try that again... I have become OBSESSED with being upside down. 

Excuse the pajamas. Yes, those are Care Bears on my shorts. 

Hate on it.

This past Sunday was St. Patrick's Day. It was 75 degrees and sunny. I spent a very large portion of the morning and early afternoon upside down outside in the sun. I am not sure if I can fully express exactly how perfect that was. 

Wait, yes I can.

I know just the right word.

It was awesome. 

Seriously, though. During my home practices, I find myself wishing I could get through the first 2/3 of the series quicker so that I can get to the inversions. I'm not as strong as I need to be for a long, sustained forearm balance or handstand... yet. But I am experimenting with different leg variations in my headstand! 

I can hold these for a relatively decent amount of time before having to come out... But the harder ones.. they are a different story. 

I fall. 

A lot. 

A whole lot.

Way more than I did when I was skiing a couple weeks ago.

Sometimes I fall hard. 

Yesterday, I fell straight backwards. Almost landed on Spindale. I caught it on film and I have a good chuckle every time I watch it. Some one told me a couple of week ago, "If you aren't falling, you aren't learning." 

Well, I must be learning then, because Jesus Mary and Joseph, am I falling a lot. But for those split seconds when I'm balancing on nothing but my forearms and my heels aren't touching the wall, time stops and I'm fully convinced I've been there for a minimum of one hour. 

In reality, I'm lucky if I'm sticking the harder inversions for a couple of seconds.

But that's not the point. 

The point is, when I'm flying like that, I know without a doubt that wrong side up is not wrong,  and right side up isn't always right.

Here's to a weekend full of laughter, love, and (hopefully) lots of the wrong side up. 

A